There are moments in life when things feel slightly suffocating. Like the choices you've made for yourself no longer resonate and you go to take a step back only to realize that there is no more ledge to step back on. I guess that's a fairly accurate summation of how I feel at this point of my life.
Surveying the landscape of these last 29 years, about only 23 I can remember vividly, I'm wondering if the breadcrumb trail I followed was really laced with LSD and was someone's idea of a practical joke. Since ruminating the past is futile and idolizing the future won't make it come faster (or exactly how we want it for that matter) I decided to simply stop in my tracks and take a proverbial lay of the land.
The one thing that has remained fairly constant in my memories has been my deep desire to be a writer. And not simply to say I have written but to support myself and my lavish, imaginary lifestyle with the creative fruits of my mind and imagination. Recalling hours locked in my childhood bathroom writing short stories, it's safe to say I was born to be a writer. (This is no way a claim to my qualifications as a writer. It's simply meant to elaborate the point that I have a dream. Whether I am a good, great, excellent writer or simply sub par is fodder for another blog post).
What has remained of that eager and wildly imaginative kid is an adult who while she lays claim to wanting to be a writer, is at quite a loss at how one turns her daydreams and stories into actual printed material. She's an adult who is not quite sure that being a writer is as dreamy as it once seemed. Yet and still she longs to see her name in print, have a book editor and agent and have readers love her work the way she has loved probably equally insecure writers' works since she was 5 years old.
We've seen the past and we know what the vision of the future is. So I guess the true quandary of this blog post is not "ain't I a writer?" it's "how in the hell do I get my idealized version of the past to meet my insecure present to create what I can only hope will be my writing-filled future?" And that's where we are.
Hopefully, this blog will serve as a sounding board and writing desk for my thoughts, articulate and inarticulate, and potentially help me work out whatever hurdles I have, get over them and get on with the writing.
